In the first of an occasional series, Graham Bandage talks to Justin Turnbull, the man who writes the narrator’s scripts for Channel 4’s reality lifestyle shows.
Graham Bandage: How do you approach writing a script for, say, The Home Show, or Supernanny?
Justin Turnbull: Well, Graham, later I’ll be telling you how I use a script-writing program … how I drink a cup of coffee … and where I work.
GB: Great. But how do you approach writing a script for, say, The Home Show, or Supernanny?
JT: I get a rough edit of the programme and then I work my way through it. Phew, I need a wee-wee. After my break I’ll tell you how I use a script writing program … how I drink a cup of coffee … and where I work.
INTERVIEW SUSPENDED FOR THREE MINUTES.
GB: OK?
JT: Yep. Before my break, I said this. “I get a rough edit of the programme.” Later, I’ll tell you how I use a script writing program … how I drink a cup of coffee … and where I work.
GB: How do you use a script writing program?
JT: I’ve got one on my computer. I just tap in the words on my keyboard and they appear on my screen.
GB: Yes, but…
JT: Sorry, time for another break. I’m parched, so I’ll be needing a cup of coffee. Later I’ll tell you how I drink a cup of coffee… and where I work.
INTERVIEW SUSPENDED FOR TWO MINUTES.
GB: Look, this is getting…
JT: So before my wee-wee break I said this, “I get a rough edit.” Then before my coffee making break I said, “I just tap in the words on my keyboard.”
GB: Can we get to the coffee?
JT: Of course. I don’t actually drink cups of coffee. I prefer mugs.
GB: Oh, you’d led me to believe you drink cups of coffee.
JT: Yes, the mug thing is a bit of a twist.
GB: Very good.
JT: Yes. I need the toilet again now. When I come back I’ll tell you … where I work.
INTERVIEW SUSPENDED FOR TWO MINUTES.
GB: Please. Just please move on. Don’t tell me what you’ve already…
JT: Before my first wee-wee break, I said this: “Rough edit.” Then before my coffee break, I said: “I just tap…” Then before my second wee-wee break, I said: “I prefer mugs.”
GB: Where do you work? Just tell me, for the love of thingy, where the f**king hell do you work?
JT: Here.
GB: So, what now?
JT: Now you go away. And then you come back to see me in 12 months to see if things have changed for me for the cheapo repeat.
GB: And will they have done?
JT: No. Not in the slightest. Next week you’ll be interviewing conceptual artist Ted Cramp, when he’ll be saying “The Northern Line,” “three sheets to the wind” and “Mum, please don’t.”
GB: Justin Turnbull, thank you.
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