When I am not posting here, I am posting in the Critique section of the British Sitcom Forums. They’re a bit sweary but mostly decent chaps.
In any case, I was inspired to write this by a sketch written by regular poster dannyjb1. As it’s a bit similar, I’ll just post it here as a Lovely exclusive treat for my many fans.
1. INT. Police station interview room. MRS POTTER sitting at table, with interviewing officer SGT STONE and police artist HIGGINS.
Now, can you describe your attacker for our artist? Take your time.
Ooh, he was very fierce-looking. He had a scar on his cheek.
HIGGINS (drawing on pad)
His right. Er, spiky hair. It was brown. Er, a glass eye . . .
2. INT. Police station interview room. Some time later.
… and an earring, shaped like a skull and crossbones.
… skull and crossbones. Right.
HIGGINS finishes with a flourish. Hands pad to STONE.
Is this him?
STONE reveals pad to MRS POTTER. It is a very childish scrawl, with comically spiky hair and a fierce expression.
3. INT. Police station. Identity parade. Camera tracks behind the suspects. STONE and younger OFFICER present with MRS POTTER.
Now, take your time, Mrs Potter.
MRS POTTER walks past several suspects with thoughtful expression on her face. She steps forward and examines one closely then moves on.
Shot on MRS POTTER’s face
That’s him. That’s the man who attacked me.
Camera reveals cardboard cutout of stick man with face identical to HIGGINS’ scrawl.
Sarge! He’s getting away!
3. EXT. Outside police station. New cutout of stick man in unconvincing running pose on steps. People walk past normally.
Thank you for your attention.