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I am quite shaken at present as I was assaulted by an elderly blind lady yesterday evening.

I was minding my own business, as is my wont*. I try not to mind other people’s businesses, having enough on my own plate, thank you for asking. I’m not even sure how you could mind other people’s businesses, unless it was a bit like in EastEnders, where Pete Beale used to ask random cast members to look after the stall while he went off to have a barney with Kathy, Den or Pat, and then call Sharon “Tweacle.”

Anyway, I think I’ve put you in the picture as to my state of mind, if not my location. I was walking along a road, with a pavement of decent width, when the aforementioned little old lady hoved into view, swinging her long white stick.

As a result I went into full blind-person-coming-readiness. Now, as I walked I noticed there was a lamppost ahead, with a car illegally parked with its nearside wheels on the pavement, leaving a very small gap. I’ve a certain degree of sympathy with the driver as it was a narrow road and I absolve him of blame for the incident which was to occur.

The blind old lady was approaching at, I assumed, normal blind old lady speed, sweeping her cane ahead of her. I was confident that I would reach the lamppost before her and could nip around it, enabling both of us to go on our way. After all, I’m reasonably spry, and, crucially, sighted.

How wrong I was. The little old blind lady was walking at least as fast as me. She reached the lamppost before me, blocking my path with the sweep of her cane and I had to fling myself into the small gap between the parked car and the lamppost, grazing my elbow on the lamppost.

She, of course, was unaware of the distress she had caused and continued on her speedy way, scattering chickens and small children who ventured into her path.

I had no idea that blind people could move so fast. However later last night, I found the film Daredevil on BBC Three, and that answered a lot of my questions.

Apparently, blind people’s remaining four senses are so acute they can balance on high wires, beat up an entire bar of hoods and brigands, deflect a hail of bullets with some sort of magnetic field, by the look of things, and make out people’s features just by hearing the sound of raindrops falling on their faces. Avoiding a lamppost at speed would be child’s play to these people.

So it wasn’t an accident. That evil little old moo made me hurt myself on purpose. Damn her to hell. And then beat her. And then damn her to hell again.

*Not sure what a wont is, will look it up later.

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