Not to worry, petal. I have the key.
UPDATED: Full correspondence below.
A nice man on the Twitter offered me a guaranteed money making scheme. It sounded too good to be true, but then I thought, “He wouldn’t put it on the Internet if it wasn’t true.”
In the latest of an occasional series, Graham Bandage talks to internet pioneer Daniel Singh.
GRAHAM BANDAGE: Daniel Singh, you’ve been responsible for many internet innovations, including the acronym LULZ and the emoticon :}) (Terry-Thomas). But your greatest innovation has changed the English language itself.
DANIEL SINGH: You’re not wrong there.
GB: No. For you are the man who made the word ‘fail’ into a noun.
DS: Yes, I’m very proud of that one.
GB: What gave you the idea? Was it a texting thing? Something to do with the word ‘failure’ taking too long to write?
DS: Nothing so pathetic. It is the culmination of a crusade. REVENGE! I will crush…
GB: Steady on.
DS: Sorry, it’s just that feelings run deep. I’ll calm down.
INTERVIEW SUSPENDED WHILE DS HAS SOME CAMOMILE TEA AND A BIT OF A LIE DOWN.
DS: You’ve got to appreciate what it was like to be me, growing up in the 1980s. The scars on my back.
GB: Oh, I know. I had a pair of Black Watch trousers as well.
DS: You know nothing. Every bloody time people mentioned my name, somebody would start singing “Dan Singh With Tears In My Eyes.”
GB: Oh, you poor soul.
DS: I swore revenge on Ultravox. I bought 750,000 copies of Joe Dolce’s Shaddup Your Face just to stop them getting to number one with Vienna.
GB: I wondered who bought that record.
DS: I thought that would be the end of them. But then their bastard lead singer helps Bob Geldof write Do They Know It’s Christmas? and he becomes a bloody saint.
DS: And when the internet appeared, and people were writing “Failure” all the time it was a slap in the face. “Fail. Ure. Fail. Ure.” I decided then I would wipe his name from the face of the earth. I wrote a post on the forum xhtmlismuchbetterthanconventionalhtml.com. Somebody had written a previous post which misspelled XHTML as ‘XHMTL.’ I pointed out this error and signed off with “EPIC FAIL. LULZ.”
GB: And it went viral?
DS: And it went viral, just as I planned. Now the occurrence of the character sequence URE is down 94% on the year 2000. Before long the name Ure will be as forgotten as a male X-Factor winner in February and I will be VICTORIOUS!
GB: Erm, that’s all ace and that, but what about the name ‘Midge?’
DS: Do you think I haven’t thought of that? I’ve chucked a bung the way of the Scottish Animal Naming Board, and from 2012, midges are to be known as Ultravoxisshits. I’ve also bought the rights to Worzel Gummidge, or “Worzel Gum” as he will now be known. And I’ve rebranded midgets as “ts.” I’ve left no stone unturned. I WILL HAVE REVENGE!!!
GB: Daniel Singh, thank you very much.
Hello. Where was I?
Oh, yes. New business idea. Right. Have you ever fallen asleep in your armchair and woken up at about 1.37am?
You have? Why are you answering rhetorical questions on your screen?
Sorry. I would venture the worst thing about that is not the cushion crease on your cheek or the drooly thing, although they are admittedly rubbish, but the thought of the admin.
“Bleurgh,” one inevitably thinks, “Not only do I have to drag myself to bed, but I also have to wash this cup, put the bin out, turn the telly off, have a wee and brush my teeth. By which time I’ll be wide awake and unable to get to sleep. This is, in short, a sod.”
This is where my ace new idea comes in: The Snoozy Squad. Wake up in a state of not-being-in-bed and hit the panic button. Actually, ‘panic’ is not really the ‘vibe’ I’m ‘going’ for. I’ll call it a ‘reassurance’ button. Anyway, within minutes a crack team of operatives will burst into your house, give your cup a rinse, take out your rubbish and unplug your telly (first checking you aren’t recording something).
Then they’ll carry you to the bathroom, brush your teeth, place you on the lavvy, attend to the unmentionables, and then take you to your bedroom, where they’ll make sure you’re sorted out in the pyjama department and then tuck you in. Reduced cost for bungalows, increased cost for fat people, glass of water extra.
I’ll charge you a shedload for this, but I think peace of mind is priceless. This idea will definitely work.
I’ve changed the place where I put my blog. It is here now. As you can see.